Letter to My Unmarried Self

Dear Unmarried Self,

After being a wife of only about seven months, I am in no shape or form an expert on the topic. I do, however, have a few words of advice that would have been helpful for you to know in the seasons leading up to this one.

If you still haven't met him yet (and you probably have but still don't know it's him), then I won't spoil it for you. I dare not describe him physically to you; not only would it give him away, but it would completely miss the point of what we are looking for. Trust me, you will find him very attractive from the outside, but the inside is where the treasure lies. There are a few glaring things that will be most important about him in this season:

He will need to know how to fight.
Spiritually, I mean. Marriage is way more like Saving Private Ryan than it is The Notebook. He will not spend hours upon hours daily searching out ways to make you temporarily happy. He won't always charm you with words that make you melt and he won't always make sure you wake up to flowers and love notes.The most burning passion that sets his heart aflame will not be you. And I'm not sorry. If you are wise, you will marry a man whose most burning desire is the One Who created marriage. He knows how to fulfill and complete and satisfy in ways that no spouse ever will. Romance is important in marriage, but it will never reach the depth that it was meant to if you can't depend on your spouse to fight in the spiritual warfare of life with you. Don't marry someone that you can't crawl in the trenches with.

He will need to know how to reconcile.
I cannot express how important this is. You are blind to a lot of your wounds and scars and sinful habits and beliefs that will make you respond very unexpectedly to things in marriage. You (we) are being sanctified and it's a work in progress. The thing that has meant more to me than almost anything is experiencing the grace and unconditional love of being pursued after an argument. Nothing about flesh wants to be the first to kill pride, humble itself and apologize- especially when it wasn't totally wrong to begin with. But when your husband chooses to be a man living out the gospel and pursues reconciliation with you, you will not only get to see biblical manhood up close and personal, but you will get to glean in the light of the image of God.

He will need to know the Lord so well that not even you can shake his faith.
You (we) can be so fearful, doubtful, and foolish sometimes. I'm sorry to tell you that little has changed in that area. Like I said before, we are a work in progress. Please, please don't think you can play it safe for the rest of your life. God loves you too much to let you. You know you- how you can logically talk yourself out of things that defy logic and require only faith. Your Father will bless you with a man who has much faith. Don't stifle it. But because of the times that you will inevitably be tempted to do so, marry a man whose heart seeks God more than he seeks you. I can already tell you if this wasn't the case, we would have already missed out on huge blessings and a great adventure with the great I AM.

Now that we have him covered, let's talk about you. It would save you a lot of grief to know a few things...

First of all,

You can't be his Holy Spirit.
Because you will see that He is, indeed, a child of the LIVING God, he will have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of him. Now, be prepared... you will see his flaws and his weaknesses (I'm praying that this does not shock you!). This is good... it's what marriage is all about. Please start begging God now for wisdom and discernment. I know that you have a meek and quiet spirit, but there is a lion inside of you that comes roaring out to confront sin sometimes (I know... I was shocked, too). You can't run away from it. You can't journal and blog about it to make it better. Sometimes, you need to lovingly confront. But your little world-and his-will be such a happier place if you remember that you can't be the Holy Spirit in him. Do not get so easily frustrated at him- he will have more right to be frustrated at you, trust me. Be patient, be supportive, and pray.

Affirm his leadership.
What a joy and gift his leadership will be! You will be shocked at what an independent woman you actually were before, even though you were in such a great gospel community. You like to be in control, to make decisions for yourself, to meet a need when you see one. But don't be frustrated if you start meeting all of those needs before he has a chance to. Let him serve you. Don't feel guilty when he offers to cook or wash the dishes or whatever the chore may be. Thank him for gifting you with his service.  You two will have some big decisions to make early on. You will freak out. But when he tells you that he feels confident in his decision (that will affect you both greatly), prayerfully practice submission. While you are becoming one, you will have to learn to walk all over again since you are walking together. Falling would be better than never learning how to walk at all.


He. Will. Fail. You.
Please don't act so disappointed. Thankfully, he has never been a husband before. And you have never been a wife before. Give yourselves a break! (You will need this more in the early months of marriage than you do now). Yes, you will absolutely find healing in the love, mercy, and grace that he will show you. But there are a lot of stinking bones in the back of your heart-closet that the key of becoming one with another human being was needed to unlock. He can be a great help to you as you walk through them, but just like I said before, he can't be the Holy Spirit in you, so don't put that unbearable weight on him. Take them to the Healer.

This is the beauty of the mystery: God's design for marriage requires that it be made of three: man, woman, and Himself. He uses man and woman to glorify Himself through the sacrificial love that they develop for one another. And He uses marriage to glorify Himself through using man and woman to sanctify and build one another up. He uses marriage to glorify Himself by stirring up longings and desires for a marriage that is timeless, sinless, and ultimately intimate. He uses marriage to glorify Himself in the way that the life of husband and wife together are multiplied.

It is good to desire marriage, but don't mistake it with your longing for the perfect Lover, your Savior.

Sincerely,

Your Married Self

The One Worth Waiting For

I would like to preface this post by saying that my focus here is that of the Christian community. All are welcome to read, but please understand that my concern is for Christ's Bride- the body of believers. If you are not a follower of Jesus Christ, I don't expect your agreement and would love to discuss your views offline.

I recently read an amazing response letter (read it here) to a woman whose original article was entitled "I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn't" (read it here) that stirred my heart and mind to a further response.

In the original article, a young lady pours out her disappointments of her sexual experience after marriage that she blames on waiting for her husband to lose her virginity. As a child, she joined a youth group in church that went before the congregation and made promises to save themselves for their spouses. Having made the vow and having this value instilled in her without the faith or reasoning behind why she should hold these convictions, she struggled to enjoy sex when she was married and began to view it negatively. Soon, she began believing that if she hadn't waited, she wouldn't feel the shame that she feels and would be able to take more pleasure in it.

The response article addresses some very real struggles and gracefully dissects them to reveal the truths underneath: of course sex is awkward the first time and it's natural to experience sadness upon losing your virginity. She points out the very wonderful things about sex within marriage and argues that while she didn't wait for marriage to lose her virginity, she wishes with everything that she had. She points to the truth of Who created sex and how He designed it to be enjoyed.

And yet, I ache because I know that the anchor holding these truths in place is still somewhat arbitrary.

The truth is, your spouse isn't the one you should be saving your virginity for.

I'm not saying that the True Love Waits Chastity Pledge or anything similar to it is wrong or unfruitful. I praise God for the impact that this has had on young believers and for the accountability that it was for them.

However, I fear for those belonging to my generation and younger who have walked into the legalistic laws of morality and suffer the bondage that those laws bring, which lead them to believe that God is ruling over them harshly, just waiting to send them to Hell for their wrong-doing, without even understanding what makes it wrong in the first place. I fear that their hearts are being shaped to "be good" to avoid Hell instead of being molded to "be transformed" for their good and for the glory of God.

I'm broken for the "girl who waited and wishes she didn't," who made a chastity promise as a child who did not understand it or the love of God. I'm saddened for those who were in her shoes, who believed that if you were 'good' and waited for your spouse, sex would be easy and natural and wonderful and supremely pleasing, and that the bond you would share with them would be immediate and strong... because you waited.

It breaks my heart because I know that this way of thinking misses the point entirely.
You see, "God desires love and not sacrifice." (Hosea 6:6) What He wants is your heart, not your morality. The reward you are so desperately longing for is God Himself.

In fact, if pride and people-pleasing is the motivation for abstinence instead of loving and obeying God, then it is still sin. Romans 14:23 tells us that "whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."

If what you desire more than anything else is something other than God, you will be disappointed.

Our great God gives us commandments, not so that we may have "the best life now," (had to say it), but that we may have what is more precious than this short little life that passes as quickly as dew upon the morning grass. The Lord delights in us and offers the richest of fare. Too often, our culture teaches us to satisfy our desires in whatever way strikes us-to settle for the Kit Kat bar instead of taking a seat at the Feast of the Lamb. Our Father know what our needs are.

In regards to what the young lady in the original post had to say about wishing that she had given herself away before marriage so that she would have been more experienced when the time came, let's look at the origination of sex. Before God brought Eve into Adam's life, they walked together in perfect intimacy and unity in the heavenly Eden. When He did gift Adam with a wife, there were no other people in the Garden of Eden for them to compare their spouse to. Eve didn't need a practice run with another man before she was introduced to Adam. There were no other women-or videos of women- for Adam to try to fill his sexual appetite with before Eve... God designed Adam to desire and need intimacy with Eve alone. In the Garden, there was no sin pulling them away from God or from each other. They could freely love with body, mind, and soul.

We all ache for Eden. And we all fall into the sin of tasting the apple, even though we know it won't satisfy...even though we know it draws us away from our Father. The great hope is that because of Christ, who fulfilled perfect obedience with the motivation of pursing God's heart, we will experience once again the fullness of pure, free intimacy with the One who will bind us to Himself with the strongest of bonds and completely and supremely satisfy us for all of eternity. He is the One worth waiting for, and worthy of our commitment to pursue pleasure in the ways that He has designed for us to. Any other motivation, even good ones, will not suffice.

"You make known to me the path of life;
    in your presence there is fullness of joy;
    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
                      -Psalm 16:11

Growing Into Grace

Grace doesn't run in families or "come" with age. Still, I can't help but savor the sweetness of the grace that the women in my family carry.

My great-grandmother never owned anything that she wasn't willing to give away, despite the fact that paper towels hung to dry from washing in her kitchen-signs of a life lived through the Great Depression. Her skin was scented with hospitality, compassion seeped through her eye-wrinkles and joy always danced from her eyes, no matter the circumstances. She taught my own Mom how to kneel each night and pray to the Lord, delighting in Him and begging His mercies. My Mom, in turn, taught me. No one left Grandma's house without feeling cherished and appreciated. Never did she make anyone feel guilty for leaving, or for the great length of time between visits; she simply soaked in the time she was given like a delectable delicacy, which always made me want to come back.

My Aunts are tender souls. One has hearts for eyes- she sees the Spirit of the Lord everywhere and uses every instrument possible to express the glory that she sees, making vehicles that help other heart-eyes grow. She is an angel whom God uses to gift others with her words, photos, and treasures at the perfect time, usually without knowing the effects that they have, all by simply being faithful to maximize the gifts and talents that she has been given. Another Aunt devotes her life to her family and to others, making her home a safe haven for all who meander inside. She humbly submits her life to her Lord as she seeks out service everywhere she goes, never complaining or asking, "What's in it for me?"

And there is my Mom, who labors with God's Word, longing for it to overtake her. Life's fair share of trials have left her with a heart that could have easily turned hard and bitter, but by the gift of faith, she chose Jesus. Trial after trial has left her with a kind of patience that I may never know, and a devotion to her Lord that is becoming of saints. She has served as "Mommy" of children for over 20 years and lovingly grows to morph into "Mom" of adults, not because it is what she wants, but because it is what we need. Her decisions are always intended to be in the best interest of us, not of herself, as a true image-bearer of her Savior.

I become a wife in 40 days, Lord willing.

At our first shower last weekend, a friend said to me, "You are going to be the perfect wife!!!!"
I wanted to laugh in her face.
Never before have I been so aware of the nasty sin lurking in the depths of my soul or the missing pieces of the gospel in my character. Never before has another human being-other than maybe my parents-seen this much of my raw sin. Never have I felt the weight of trying to fulfill this image that I have built up in my own mind of what a wife is "supposed to be like."

But then I wonder if my great-grandmother felt this at all when she stepped into this role at such a young age. Surely those compassion-filled eye-wrinkles weren't existent in those ripe days. And my aunt had to see lots of dark shadows before she was able to receive the stunning colors of light in their full splendor. My Mom was a bit of
a clean freak before she learned the pleasures of letting her children feel comfortable enough to play and laugh and love the house into our home. Surely, there is grace for me.

Grace doesn't run in families, unless God is your Father.

A Glimpse of the Cross on Valentine's Day

My last Valentine’s Day as a single lady was unique; circumstances surrounding the engagement to my fiancé have allowed me to spend a few extra months at home with my parents. I think of these months as gifts because of all that God has done in them to use us to be teachers and comforters and companions to one another- gifts that a lot of people don’t get to have as adults with their parents.

The mighty snow storm this week didn’t allow me to see my fiancé on Valentine’s Day (which is okay because we get to do life together every single day!) so my parents and I decided to hit up the YMCA for an endorphin boost. The workout was refreshing and left us each ravenous, so we decided to trek on up to the nearby Subway and then stop by Family Video for a relaxing night of rest. 

Stricken with the decision to choose between our regular subs and the new flipizzas (flat bread pizzas- yes, they are delicious), Mom and I stood in line contemplating our order. When we finally reached the register, it was Dad’s turn to make the tough decision. Trying to take her mind off of the growling beast in her stomach and to wait patiently, Mom dug into her purse for her phone to distract her. It wasn’t there. When you’re a mother of three and a MiMi of three, it’s pretty important to have your phone at all times in case of emergencies or adorable videos of babies that you couldn’t wait another second to see, so thinking nothing of it, she headed outside to search the vehicle. 

In a few moments, my Dad came charging up to me with urgency-stricken eyes, “Where is your mother?!” Confused, I tried to search his face, “She went to the car to look for her phone.” Leaving his flipizza order and the boy waiting on him, he charged to the door to find her. 

Why is he so tense?

And then I realized… our little homey town has not been so homey lately, with several robberies and even murders, which leaves us a bit uneasy about being out and about at night. 

But what could he really do if a gang attacked my Mom? Is he being overly protective and not trusting God to take care of her?

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…” –Ephesians 5:25

My Dad was obeying God, willing to lay down his life for his bride. Even if there was no chance that he would overcome a gang of dangerous men, I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Dad would still lay his life down in an effort to protect my Mom. 

Not much about the night was “romantic,” but I caught a glimpse of the kind of passionate Christ-like love that I pray my marriage is saturated with… a covenantal, selfless kind of love that points to the cross of Christ, a love transcendent of days and moments and humanity. This love is nothing if not passionate, and not because of the heat-of-the-moment or because it felt good. There was no heated risk in the blood-stained cross of Christ- He knew exactly what He was getting with us… not the beautiful, perfectly shaped runway model or the eloquently-speaking charmer, but simply you and I… at our worst. He saw what we would look like in our 80’s and the major flaws in our character and the nastiest pieces of our selves, but God loved us because we were His children. 

He made a covenant with Himself at Creation to love us at all times and at any cost, already knowing what that cost would entail. Out of obedience to The Father, Jesus bore that cross, counting His beautiful and perfect and selfless life as nothing because He knew that eternal Life was His. And ours. 

That is Love.