I recently read an amazing response letter (read it here) to a woman whose original article was entitled "I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn't" (read it here) that stirred my heart and mind to a further response.
In the original article, a young lady pours out her disappointments of her sexual experience after marriage that she blames on waiting for her husband to lose her virginity. As a child, she joined a youth group in church that went before the congregation and made promises to save themselves for their spouses. Having made the vow and having this value instilled in her without the faith or reasoning behind why she should hold these convictions, she struggled to enjoy sex when she was married and began to view it negatively. Soon, she began believing that if she hadn't waited, she wouldn't feel the shame that she feels and would be able to take more pleasure in it.
The response article addresses some very real struggles and gracefully dissects them to reveal the truths underneath: of course sex is awkward the first time and it's natural to experience sadness upon losing your virginity. She points out the very wonderful things about sex within marriage and argues that while she didn't wait for marriage to lose her virginity, she wishes with everything that she had. She points to the truth of Who created sex and how He designed it to be enjoyed.
And yet, I ache because I know that the anchor holding these truths in place is still somewhat arbitrary.
The truth is, your spouse isn't the one you should be saving your virginity for.
I'm not saying that the True Love Waits Chastity Pledge or anything similar to it is wrong or unfruitful. I praise God for the impact that this has had on young believers and for the accountability that it was for them.
However, I fear for those belonging to my generation and younger who have walked into the legalistic laws of morality and suffer the bondage that those laws bring, which lead them to believe that God is ruling over them harshly, just waiting to send them to Hell for their wrong-doing, without even understanding what makes it wrong in the first place. I fear that their hearts are being shaped to "be good" to avoid Hell instead of being molded to "be transformed" for their good and for the glory of God.
I'm broken for the "girl who waited and wishes she didn't," who made a chastity promise as a child who did not understand it or the love of God. I'm saddened for those who were in her shoes, who believed that if you were 'good' and waited for your spouse, sex would be easy and natural and wonderful and supremely pleasing, and that the bond you would share with them would be immediate and strong... because you waited.
It breaks my heart because I know that this way of thinking misses the point entirely.
You see, "God desires love and not sacrifice." (Hosea 6:6) What He wants is your heart, not your morality. The reward you are so desperately longing for is God Himself.
In fact, if pride and people-pleasing is the motivation for abstinence instead of loving and obeying God, then it is still sin. Romans 14:23 tells us that "whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."
If what you desire more than anything else is something other than God, you will be disappointed.
Our great God gives us commandments, not so that we may have "the best life now," (had to say it), but that we may have what is more precious than this short little life that passes as quickly as dew upon the morning grass. The Lord delights in us and offers the richest of fare. Too often, our culture teaches us to satisfy our desires in whatever way strikes us-to settle for the Kit Kat bar instead of taking a seat at the Feast of the Lamb. Our Father know what our needs are.
In regards to what the young lady in the original post had to say about wishing that she had given herself away before marriage so that she would have been more experienced when the time came, let's look at the origination of sex. Before God brought Eve into Adam's life, they walked together in perfect intimacy and unity in the heavenly Eden. When He did gift Adam with a wife, there were no other people in the Garden of Eden for them to compare their spouse to. Eve didn't need a practice run with another man before she was introduced to Adam. There were no other women-or videos of women- for Adam to try to fill his sexual appetite with before Eve... God designed Adam to desire and need intimacy with Eve alone. In the Garden, there was no sin pulling them away from God or from each other. They could freely love with body, mind, and soul.
We all ache for Eden. And we all fall into the sin of tasting the apple, even though we know it won't satisfy...even though we know it draws us away from our Father. The great hope is that because of Christ, who fulfilled perfect obedience with the motivation of pursing God's heart, we will experience once again the fullness of pure, free intimacy with the One who will bind us to Himself with the strongest of bonds and completely and supremely satisfy us for all of eternity. He is the One worth waiting for, and worthy of our commitment to pursue pleasure in the ways that He has designed for us to. Any other motivation, even good ones, will not suffice.
"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
-Psalm 16:11
