After being a wife of only about seven months, I am in no shape or form an expert on the topic. I do, however, have a few words of advice that would have been helpful for you to know in the seasons leading up to this one.
If you still haven't met him yet (and you probably have but still don't know it's him), then I won't spoil it for you. I dare not describe him physically to you; not only would it give him away, but it would completely miss the point of what we are looking for. Trust me, you will find him very attractive from the outside, but the inside is where the treasure lies. There are a few glaring things that will be most important about him in this season:
He will need to know how to fight.
Spiritually, I mean. Marriage is way more like Saving Private Ryan than it is The Notebook. He will not spend hours upon hours daily searching out ways to make you temporarily happy. He won't always charm you with words that make you melt and he won't always make sure you wake up to flowers and love notes.The most burning passion that sets his heart aflame will not be you. And I'm not sorry. If you are wise, you will marry a man whose most burning desire is the One Who created marriage. He knows how to fulfill and complete and satisfy in ways that no spouse ever will. Romance is important in marriage, but it will never reach the depth that it was meant to if you can't depend on your spouse to fight in the spiritual warfare of life with you. Don't marry someone that you can't crawl in the trenches with.
He will need to know how to reconcile.
I cannot express how important this is. You are blind to a lot of your wounds and scars and sinful habits and beliefs that will make you respond very unexpectedly to things in marriage. You (we) are being sanctified and it's a work in progress. The thing that has meant more to me than almost anything is experiencing the grace and unconditional love of being pursued after an argument. Nothing about flesh wants to be the first to kill pride, humble itself and apologize- especially when it wasn't totally wrong to begin with. But when your husband chooses to be a man living out the gospel and pursues reconciliation with you, you will not only get to see biblical manhood up close and personal, but you will get to glean in the light of the image of God.
He will need to know the Lord so well that not even you can shake his faith.
You (we) can be so fearful, doubtful, and foolish sometimes. I'm sorry to tell you that little has changed in that area. Like I said before, we are a work in progress. Please, please don't think you can play it safe for the rest of your life. God loves you too much to let you. You know you- how you can logically talk yourself out of things that defy logic and require only faith. Your Father will bless you with a man who has much faith. Don't stifle it. But because of the times that you will inevitably be tempted to do so, marry a man whose heart seeks God more than he seeks you. I can already tell you if this wasn't the case, we would have already missed out on huge blessings and a great adventure with the great I AM.
Now that we have him covered, let's talk about you. It would save you a lot of grief to know a few things...
First of all,
You can't be his Holy Spirit.
Because you will see that He is, indeed, a child of the LIVING God, he will have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of him. Now, be prepared... you will see his flaws and his weaknesses (I'm praying that this does not shock you!). This is good... it's what marriage is all about. Please start begging God now for wisdom and discernment. I know that you have a meek and quiet spirit, but there is a lion inside of you that comes roaring out to confront sin sometimes (I know... I was shocked, too). You can't run away from it. You can't journal and blog about it to make it better. Sometimes, you need to lovingly confront. But your little world-and his-will be such a happier place if you remember that you can't be the Holy Spirit in him. Do not get so easily frustrated at him- he will have more right to be frustrated at you, trust me. Be patient, be supportive, and pray.
Affirm his leadership.
What a joy and gift his leadership will be! You will be shocked at what an independent woman you actually were before, even though you were in such a great gospel community. You like to be in control, to make decisions for yourself, to meet a need when you see one. But don't be frustrated if you start meeting all of those needs before he has a chance to. Let him serve you. Don't feel guilty when he offers to cook or wash the dishes or whatever the chore may be. Thank him for gifting you with his service. You two will have some big decisions to make early on. You will freak out. But when he tells you that he feels confident in his decision (that will affect you both greatly), prayerfully practice submission. While you are becoming one, you will have to learn to walk all over again since you are walking together. Falling would be better than never learning how to walk at all.
He. Will. Fail. You.
Please don't act so disappointed. Thankfully, he has never been a husband before. And you have never been a wife before. Give yourselves a break! (You will need this more in the early months of marriage than you do now). Yes, you will absolutely find healing in the love, mercy, and grace that he will show you. But there are a lot of stinking bones in the back of your heart-closet that the key of becoming one with another human being was needed to unlock. He can be a great help to you as you walk through them, but just like I said before, he can't be the Holy Spirit in you, so don't put that unbearable weight on him. Take them to the Healer.
This is the beauty of the mystery: God's design for marriage requires that it be made of three: man, woman, and Himself. He uses man and woman to glorify Himself through the sacrificial love that they develop for one another. And He uses marriage to glorify Himself through using man and woman to sanctify and build one another up. He uses marriage to glorify Himself by stirring up longings and desires for a marriage that is timeless, sinless, and ultimately intimate. He uses marriage to glorify Himself in the way that the life of husband and wife together are multiplied.
It is good to desire marriage, but don't mistake it with your longing for the perfect Lover, your Savior.
Sincerely,
Your Married Self
