The One

I’ll trust in the One.

The One who always was and always will be.

The One who was when I cried in pain

The One who was when I laughed in joy

And the One who will call me home.

Your steadfast love tears away from the world.

The world. 

The fickle, piercing, bland world.

My taste buds tell me of more.

The hints of flavors unknown to man

Tell me there’s so much more to taste

Of You. 

Otherness.

Every hand grows cold.

But Yours always was warm, strong,

Always there to hold me up,

To plead my cause,

To get in the way of the nail that I called forth.

For me.

For me.

There will always be someone better than me.

More beautiful, more youthful, more wise…

But You are the most beautiful, the most old and new, the most wise, most faithful.

Most in love with me.

Me. Why?

I am nothing.

But IAM will make me new.

I AM will give me an appetite for holiness.

Holy, Holy, Holy.

Perfect. Set Apart. 

And You sing.

Drench me in Your song. Renew my soul.

Make me fall in love with You.

Show me my worth so I won’t desire to seek it in anything else.

Give me an appetite for Your love that no man can satisfy.

My Shepherd

We were walking in a field

Arrayed with flowers of every kind

With the serenity and peace of the day

You were the only thing on my mind

The serpent took notice

And saw the sunset up ahead

He could have let us be

But he attacked my heart instead

“That path is tricky

With curves and steep hills

I know a quicker way…

Follow me, if you will.”

For just a moment,

I took my eyes off of You

Why take the hard road

If I didn’t have to?

That’s when I noticed

The eerie shadows of the trees

And in those sweet smelling flowers

Hovered angry, stinging bees

And the clouds overhead,

They might create a storm

And even the once pleasant sun

Was making me far too warm

With his evil grin

The serpent let out a laugh

But before my feet could stumble,

I felt the comfort of the staff

‘Twas my dear Shepherd

Pulling me back in

His arms cradled me safely

And I could breathe again

I forgot the calm peace

Of my Lover’s sweet smell

And the gentleness of His embrace

Far more perfect than I could tell

Yes, this path is longer,

More rocky and curvy, too

But it’s exactly what I want

If I’m walking it with You.

In the Eye

I shake and I shiver; I worry and I quiver

I listened to the lie that You won’t deliver

I’m anxious, I fret, I somehow forget

That Your love alone is my safety net

Falling

Falling

Falling

Catch me, Lord, and hold me near

Don’t let me lose sight of why I’m here

The enemy came in and shook my peace

Tell me who I am; make my storm cease

I am Your daughter, adopted in love

I am Your chosen, bought with Your blood

You’ve promised to use me in unimaginable ways

To tell the whole world of the One who saves

I know it’ll hurt and I’ll be made poor

But You are everything that my soul longs for

In daylight or the dimness of dusk,

If You are near, then I’ll always trust

So let the storms rage all around

For here in the eye, Your peace is found.

Borrowed Words

From a newborn’s cry to an aged one’s cough

From the dirt on the ground to the moon in its loft

In the times when the cup of my joy is full

And in times of sorrow, when my heart is left dull

In the way that the sun dries up the ground

In the way that the wind carries the crickets’ sound

From the moment You said, “Let’s make man in Our image”

To the birth of the very last one of Your elect lineage

From the darkest depths of the open sea

To the tiny, pumping muscle inside of me

Your glory is in all and will be revealed

On the day that the skies are no longer sealed

All this is Yours and is to be desired

All previous, cheap longings have long since retired

My heart and my soul yearn for Your peace

For Your mighty hand to work; the battle over flesh to cease

To be perfect and flawless there in Your presence

To be consumed and love drunk by Your sweet essence

My King, my Lover, the Maker of days,

If only I could offer up some kind of praise

But You see, these words aren’t even my own

Every breath and thought I have come from You alone

So Lord, with these borrowed words I’ll offer You

A heart that needed You to make it new

Fight to the Death

A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting in my car wondering why obedience was so difficult for me that day (if you read my last post, you’ll see that I do a lot of thinking in my car).  For some reason, keeping my mind from sinful thoughts was like keeping the positive side of a magnet away from its negative counterpart. I was worn down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and was tiptoeing to the edge of surrender when something caught my eye:  a telephone pole cast its shadow over the building to my right, creating a perfect cross. Immediately, Philippians 2:8 drenched my heart, “…He (Jesus) humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.” Ouch. My heart ached. There I was complaining about my little battle, which I could have already claimed as a victory, and Christ, the King of the world, remained obedient to God even in the face of the most nasty, loathsome death… for me.

Last week, my wise friend Matthew Williamson challenged me with the question, “Do you ever mourn your own death?” My first reaction was to respond to the morbidity of that question, but then the peaceful smile on his face told me that he was referring to the death of my flesh. He went on to remind me that in order for your spirit to completely come alive to God’s perfect plan for you, your flesh must be put to death (Romans 8:13).

            As much as we try to glorify the phrases “dying to yourself” and “crucifying your flesh,” these processes are not glorious at all, nor are they enjoyable. In fact, in moments of sweet surrender to the Lord, when I feel strong in Him and joyful in fellowship, I tend to view killing sin like it’s a scene from The Patriot. At the end of the film, when Benjamin (Mel Gibson) victoriously and courageously kills his son’s murderer, the British soldier, I get this sense of pride and victory inside of me, as if I am the protagonist and I have overcome. But that is not always how killing sin works. As offensive and disgusting as sin is to God, (like the British soldier who killed Benjamin’s son- sin is what God’s Son died to overcome) our flesh absolutely loves it. So let’s replay the whole “victory” scene again- except this time, the villain is actually the accumulated passions and desires of your flesh. Not such a sweet victory anymore, is it?

So, assuming that we know what strong holds are, what they do to our hearts, and how easy it is to be controlled by our deceitful hearts (Jeremiah 17:9), let’s consider what 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says about the battle we face to overcome our flesh,

“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…” 

What would this look like? (My personal application may not apply to my brothers, but you can translate!)

Although I hardly ever have time to casually watch TV, a few weeks ago I found myself bored and wanting to be enchanted by a good love story.  So what did I do? I pulled out the most mushy-gushy chick flick I could find and popped it in. Later on, I meditated over that “perfect” love story and wistfully thought about how mine might turn out- harmless, right? The next morning, I found myself listening to love songs on my way to work instead of the usual praise & worship. I am filled with shame even as I type because as innocent as this sounds, I know what it did to my heart, and it is disgusting: 

Basically, I invited that British soldier (my sinful flesh) into my apartment (my heart) and sat him down in my most comfortable chair as I prepared the most delicious 4-course meal for him. I fed him. I gave him fuel for battle… against myself. I chose to pour death on my future marriage by building completely unrealistic expectations of men through idealizing imaginary characters- men who knew exactly how to lovingly pursue and break down every wall of a woman’s heart and seemed absolutely strong enough to catch her when she fell, knowing all the right things to say and loving her to a fault. So I have to ask myself: how is this any different than my future husband looking at images of other women’s “perfect” computer-altered bodies and subconsciously expecting that of me one day? I was killing my future marriage before it even got the chance to be formed, and my flesh was asking for more.

I thank God that there is no condemnation for me (Romans 8:1) and that my God is the God of redemption. However, I can’t flirt with sin. I have to fight with the only weapon that will bring victory: God’s Word (Ephesians 6:17). Philippians 4: 8 tells me to think on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report and virtue. I have to recognize what is true: I am not part of a “perfect” fairy tale love right now (insert your sin of choice here). I have to recognize that it is God who has given me this season of singleness and it is my choice to view it as a curse or a gift. His Word tells me that everything I receive from the Lord is good and should be received with thanksgiving. My spirit reminds me of all of the wonderful benefits of singleness and how much my undivided devotion to the Lord brings Him glory and can be such a gift to others. 

We have a battle to fight and in order to win, we have to remember what we’re fighting for. If there is any motivation for fighting the battle over our flesh that is not rooted in our love and devotion for our Lord, we will lose. If we listen to the voice that tells us to fight for what we want, we will die. If we value the pleasures of our flesh above all else, we have missed entirely the purpose of this life: to point to the next.

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” –John 16:33

In The Process

           My foot grew heavier as I swerved in and out of traffic on Hwy 85. I could feel the knots in my neck that had developed over the seemingly endless day. When I began feeling dizzy, I realized that my breathing was short so I began taking deep breaths and releasing them slowly. “This too shall pass…” I reassured myself aloud, remembering the familiar mantra of my precious great-grandmother. But my mind couldn’t escape the mile-long list of assignments that had been thrown on me like a scarf just an hour ago, choking me for the pleasure of it.

          “All I need to do to finish this unit is…” and I caught my breath before another word could be conceived. Thoughts escaped me as awe encapsulated my being. Before me was the most spectacular view: beyond the city limits, the highway, and the cell phones there was an eternity of color on the horizon. Pink met orange at the top of the hill and stretched just above into the blue abyss, where the moon hung, full and bright in its entire splendor. There was no speck of mismatched color or the slightest sign of a foreign brushstroke… just the deep, deep endlessness, an invitation to come.

          At the realization of the divine beauty before me, I looked around into the windows of the other cars zipping by. Did anyone else notice this?! One man passed me with a solemn stare and for a moment, I thought that maybe he was seeing it too, but when he opened his mouth in response I noticed the Bluetooth in his ear. Two young women eased past, lost in 5 o’clock traffic conversation. As they leaned into the next exit, I was amazed that they had not so much as noticed this miracle before us. Who cared about exits? This sky was pulling the string attached to my soul and everything inside of me wanted to keep driving until I ran out of cement and my tires touched gold.

          That’s when it hit me: this view that had captured my attention and changed the course of my evening was truly my destination. Sure, I would take an exit and go back to my apartment, but that would just be a pit stop. In fact, this whole college thing is not even my goal in life…

1 Thessalonians 4:3 says, “For this is the will of God, even your sanctification…” I began to recall all the nights I begged God to show me what His will was for me in certain situations… which college should I go to? What should my major be? Where should I live? The list goes on and on. All I wanted was to be dead center in the will of God. I wanted answers… couldn’t He just tell me exactly what He wanted me to do?? But His Word tells me that His will is for me to be sanctified. Could I be sanctified at ASU? –yes. What about UNCG? –yes. Have I been sanctified as a single? –I pray with all my heart that I have! Could I be sanctified as a married woman? –That’s the whole point of marriage! Easy laughter filled my little car as these realizations flowed. I don’t have to create the perfect final product… I WILL BE the perfect final product.

Everything I do is supposed to prepare me perfect and complete for my Husband on our wedding day (1 Thess. 3:13). This stirred up an image in my mind on the day of my brother’s wedding: my beautiful sister-in-law stood with her bridesmaids (myself included) in a little room at the back of the church preparing herself for the marriage of my sweet brother. Although she had to stay in the room and get ready, she enjoyed watching out of the two-way mirror as family and friends filled the sanctuary. Around her, we were fixing our hair and making last-minute touch-ups, but love-struck Erinn gazed to the place where her soon-to-be husband would stand and take her as his wife, promising to her his forever. She didn’t stress out about her hair, her nails, her bouquet, or any of the other things that the people around her were worried about. She knew where she was headed and that was all that mattered.

Peace nestled into my chest and breathed its smile onto my face. I turned into my exit, but drove past the street to my apartment. Three stop signs and a bridge later, I pulled over onto the curb and retrieved my park blanket from my trunk. Excitement crept inside me as the cool dusk air layered my skin. My boots clicked along the sidewalk and danced into the grass. There on a little hill in the Arboretum, I took my hair down and my watch off to cut the chains of the demanding day before wrapping up into the cocoon of my blanket. And there He was: my Beloved. My Husband held me in the grass on the soft earth, singing to me in the songs of crickets and sparrows and smiled at me in the first star of the night, shining from afar between the silhouetted branches of the maple trees. Everything in me was screaming, “I’m Yours!”

His love draws us in, undeniably and irrevocably, and shapes us into His holiness in the process.

“Stand in awe, and sin not…” Psalm 4:4

A Godly Man

He finds his strength when he is on his knees
And would sell all he had for his Father to please.
The words of his mouth are confident and bold
But are released with care and are never cold.
His hunger for the Word keeps him up at night;
When warfare arises, he is ready to fight.
Entertainment doesn't turn his mind into mud
Because it's constantly renewed by the cleansing flood.
With flirting, he doesn't waste his life;
Already preparing faithfulness for his wife.
This warrior would lay down his life like Christ...
The value of his character cannot be priced.
He doesn't try to offer his own counterfeit love,
But joyfully points to the real Source above.
Passing a beautiful woman does not cause him to falter
Because he remembers that she's a daddy's daughter.
He's honorable, courageous, and does all that he can
To give glory to his Father in being a Godly man.

Back-Up Plans

Everything God does is intentional. Have you ever thought about that? –Not to say that everything that happens was intended by God… we act and there are serious side effects of sin, but what God does is perfect.

My sister used to joke that God purposefully created babies to be so adorable so we would love and care for them, even when their diapers are full and when they cry all night. Although I’m sure she was joking, I believe there’s probably some truth to that. 

So we know that things don’t “just happen”… God is sovereign and He has a plan. So what does that mean for us? 

Let’s look back at David’s life… the youngest son, he was left to tend sheep while his brothers were in battle. When David spent so much time in the fields watching after those frustrating animals, he probably never would have guessed that one day, God would make him king.

One day, at the command of his father, he ran to the battlefield to check on his older brothers. What this young man found was an army of grown men shaking in their war boots. Knowing that God always had and always would be with him, young David quickly offered to face this burley, fierce foe. 

Where did this courage come from? David explained to the soldiers that he was ready for battle because while protecting the sheep, he had faced both a lion and a bear. Looking back, I’m sure David didn’t understand at the time why he had to suffer the afflictions of battling these wild beasts, especially for the sake of sheep. But God had a plan.

When the experienced, strong leaders tried to arm David, he simply stated that he didn’t want the armor. Can you believe it? There was that little, ambitious shepherd boy ready to face the monster that had left an army of trained soldiers paralyzed with terror… and he refused to wear armor. 

You see, David recognized that the armor had not been tested. Instead of putting his trust in the protection formed by the hands of men, he made the decision to trust God instead, Who had been tested through time and had proven to be faithful and true. Of course, David could have worn the armor anyway, “just in case” (sound familiar?), but true faith requires sincere trust and total surrender. He viewed this situation with his heavenly lenses and recognized that all he really needed was God and since he knew that God was with him, the armor would only get in the way. (How often do we refuse to take the false protection of fear and doubt in the form of back-up plans instead of trusting God with all that we have? …preaching to the choir here!)

Not even when Goliath growled threats did David falter in the slightest.  In fact, he practically laughed in Goliath’s face before knocking him dead with a simple sling of his stone.

Moral of the story: God has a plan for our lives and He prepares us for what is to come. We may face the fire and hate every second of the heat, but we love the beauty of the refined product. If David’s mind was consumed with everything that could go wrong while facing Goliath, he would have been no different than any of the other men on the battlefield that day. But David knew God. He didn’t have to know how powerful Goliath was or even what the end result would be; knowing God’s might and character was enough. David trusted in God, who never had a back-up plan. Besides, a few stones and a sling are a much lighter load than bulky armor.

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” –Jeremiah 29:11

Ugly Flesh; Beautiful Truth

 Do you know that feeling you get when you’re running full speed with air completely filling your lungs and a smile on your face that expresses the utter enjoyment of the health of your youth? How about the feeling you get when out of nowhere, you hit a brick wall and the breath is knocked out of you as you sit there on the ground with bloody knees, dazed and confused? How do you go from 60 to 0 in .2? Without sending you an invitation to my pity party, I’ll just say that the latter feeling has been all too present in my life lately. 

            Just this week, I was given news that would change the course of a long experience of mine for the good. I had spent the previous evening at a park praying for God to deliver me out of a certain situation, and I glowed all day, just knowing that this was the answer to my prayers. I jittered with excitement and planned out the year: things were looking up…. Until I received a call later that night informing me that this “good news” just wouldn’t work. 

            I didn’t even know how to respond. After a while of crying (I promise this isn't a regular thing!), this is what filled my journal:

“God, Holy Father, Daddy,

I’ve cried to the point of exhaustion.

My flesh tells me to go on and cry, to feel abandoned and lost because I’ve trusted You with so much, and here I am left empty; that You dangle the desires of my heart in front of me and then pull them away with just as much ease.
Truth tells me that You are good. That You have plans for me. That You love me.

My flesh tells me to hate… to call my friends and tell them of this horrible injustice done to me and to allow myself to be filled with resentment and bitterness.
Truth tells me that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. Truth tells me that I don’t deserve the love of the Savior, but I have it; that I am to love.

My flesh tells me that I know best. Truth tells me that You do.

My flesh tells me that I’m forsaken, that You don’t care, and that I’m trusting You in vain. Truth tells me that although You may be allowing Satan to tempt me for a season, I’m in Your hand, protected and cherished. Truth tells me that if I trust in You, I won’t lack any good thing and that I won’t be ashamed.

Truth tells me that I can make it through anything because You are with me. Truth tells me that what matters is not my circumstances, but Your glory.

So God, I don’t ask You tonight to deliver me or to give me the easy way out. I ask that You give me the grace to forgive and to love without the chains of bitterness to weigh me down and stain me. I ask that You be glorified in me through my hardships and circumstances. I ask that You would rid me of selfishness and fill me with joy to serve another. I ask that You teach me how to be obedient and submissive to You, no matter what. I ask You to give me faith for when I can’t see or understand. Be everything to me.

I ask that You hold me in Your hand and protect me. Get me through this and draw me closer to You in the process. Use my life for Your glory. If this is how I will come to know You more fully and to make Your glory known, this is what I want. Only give me grace for the days when I forget these truths.

Amen.”

The amazing thing about this prayer is that it began tearfully and doubtfully and ended in full confidence, joy, and worship. That’s what Christ does. He takes the blind and makes them see. He takes a broken heart and heals it through teaching it how to love Him in full surrender. He takes a restless rebel and makes him a peaceful servant.

The irony behind this all: my prayer for quite some time has been that God would use me for His glory and that He would grow me in service, love, humility, and strength. Through this trial, He has granted all of these requests. What a faithful God He is! If only we could always use our Heavenly lenses…

This summer, a very dear pastor made this statement (rephrasing), “God is more glorified in our hardships than our easy days.” I’m starting to realize how true these words ring. When others can see joy in what should be our anger or sorrow, they catch a glimpse of something beyond this world… hope. They see the glory of a God who is greater than any trouble and more valuable than personal gain. They see the glory of a God who is truer than our own existence.  

“As for God, his way is perfect: the Word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that TRUST in him.” –Psalm 18:30

Set Me Free

I used to live in this tower of security, designed by my doubts and built by my fears. I was comfortable enough in this tower, being the ruler of it. Inside, I felt safe, in control, and independent… until the day that everything fell apart. From the wilderness, a mighty Warrior ran through my gates with His eyes set on the destruction of my tower. From the very foundation, He tore it away, brick by brick. I tried holding on to its walls, but they fell from my grasp. Before all of my wounds could be put on display, I tried running away into the woods, like Eve running to her fig leaves, but no shelter could hide me from the light of this Warrior’s illumination. Every hiding place I fled to was uncovered.

At His cue, the clouds gathered and released a torrential downpour, with thunder and lightning that shook me to my core. Frozen with fright, I began to feel my wounds sting and couldn’t tell whether it was from the tumultuous rain or the salt from the tears flowing from my eyes. With nowhere else to turn, I looked at Him. Even in the darkness of this storm, He was as bright as the sun, and completely serene. With trembling lips, I gave up the only words that I could offer, “You are God, and I am not.” He walked towards me with determination in His eyes. The nearer He came to me, the more vulnerable and weak I felt… it was almost as if my insides were quivering so much that I might just fall apart.

The ambiance of His peace encompassed me fully as He picked me up into His arms and held me tightly and tenderly. The sweetest words I’ve ever heard flowed from His lips, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away…” (Song of Solomon 2:10) In that moment, I looked deep into the eyes of Love itself. I was looking into the face of Christ, right into the brilliance of God’s sacrifice. His eyes were filled with oceans of wild, untainted love that was deeper than this world will ever know. His stare pierced beyond the window of my eyes down into my heart, lighting up even the deepest corners of my soul. With just one look from my mighty Warrior, I was utterly and completely known. In the glorious moment of this divine romance, I realized that Christ had never allowed me to slip away. I had tried to hide myself away from pain, but He held onto me until my strength to fight Him was gone because He knew that the only way for my heart to come alive was through giving me Himself. He is the end of my search, the mystical kiss that ties the longings of my heart together… He Himself is everything I will ever want, and He refused to let me settle for seeking out anything that would leave me empty.

In His embrace, my Lover sang over me with words that seemed to be dripping with honey, “…I have engraved your name into the palms of my hands…” “…I will go before you and make the crooked places straight…” “…I will turn your mourning into joy…” “…I will betroth you to me forever…” “…you are all fair, my love, there is no spot in you…”

Beholding the beauty and glory of the unmistakable, selfless love of my Savior, I became love drunk as I felt the chains that tried to contain my heart snap and shatter. My heart broke free and returned to its wild and reckless state, and I danced in the freedom of this love as He sang over me.

“…love is strong as death…” (Song of Solomon 8:6) What happens to the heart when it experiences true love? Actively, it is to love something enough to desire to give your whole self to it, even in death. This kind of love is what tore the Holy Trinity apart on the day that Christ experienced and overcame death. This is the fire that consumes us now and sets our hearts on fire with passion. This love- true love- is not for the faint of heart and comes at a high price. It requires suffering, but offers everything that our hearts could possibly desire. With true love, vulnerability is beauty and weakness is turned into strength through dependence on the One who has perfect strength.

My Lover is an adventurer, and because we are in this together, I get to be part of it. I am no longer the victim, but forever the wild, fearless warrioress, bearing witness to this dangerous, indescribable love.

When true love strikes, it pierces the heart and changes you from the inside out. You are transformed from the fearful to the fearless, because You have seen that all power and strength come from the One holding you and the only thing you can’t live without is the very thing that you’ll never have to.