Ugly Flesh; Beautiful Truth

 Do you know that feeling you get when you’re running full speed with air completely filling your lungs and a smile on your face that expresses the utter enjoyment of the health of your youth? How about the feeling you get when out of nowhere, you hit a brick wall and the breath is knocked out of you as you sit there on the ground with bloody knees, dazed and confused? How do you go from 60 to 0 in .2? Without sending you an invitation to my pity party, I’ll just say that the latter feeling has been all too present in my life lately. 

            Just this week, I was given news that would change the course of a long experience of mine for the good. I had spent the previous evening at a park praying for God to deliver me out of a certain situation, and I glowed all day, just knowing that this was the answer to my prayers. I jittered with excitement and planned out the year: things were looking up…. Until I received a call later that night informing me that this “good news” just wouldn’t work. 

            I didn’t even know how to respond. After a while of crying (I promise this isn't a regular thing!), this is what filled my journal:

“God, Holy Father, Daddy,

I’ve cried to the point of exhaustion.

My flesh tells me to go on and cry, to feel abandoned and lost because I’ve trusted You with so much, and here I am left empty; that You dangle the desires of my heart in front of me and then pull them away with just as much ease.
Truth tells me that You are good. That You have plans for me. That You love me.

My flesh tells me to hate… to call my friends and tell them of this horrible injustice done to me and to allow myself to be filled with resentment and bitterness.
Truth tells me that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. Truth tells me that I don’t deserve the love of the Savior, but I have it; that I am to love.

My flesh tells me that I know best. Truth tells me that You do.

My flesh tells me that I’m forsaken, that You don’t care, and that I’m trusting You in vain. Truth tells me that although You may be allowing Satan to tempt me for a season, I’m in Your hand, protected and cherished. Truth tells me that if I trust in You, I won’t lack any good thing and that I won’t be ashamed.

Truth tells me that I can make it through anything because You are with me. Truth tells me that what matters is not my circumstances, but Your glory.

So God, I don’t ask You tonight to deliver me or to give me the easy way out. I ask that You give me the grace to forgive and to love without the chains of bitterness to weigh me down and stain me. I ask that You be glorified in me through my hardships and circumstances. I ask that You would rid me of selfishness and fill me with joy to serve another. I ask that You teach me how to be obedient and submissive to You, no matter what. I ask You to give me faith for when I can’t see or understand. Be everything to me.

I ask that You hold me in Your hand and protect me. Get me through this and draw me closer to You in the process. Use my life for Your glory. If this is how I will come to know You more fully and to make Your glory known, this is what I want. Only give me grace for the days when I forget these truths.

Amen.”

The amazing thing about this prayer is that it began tearfully and doubtfully and ended in full confidence, joy, and worship. That’s what Christ does. He takes the blind and makes them see. He takes a broken heart and heals it through teaching it how to love Him in full surrender. He takes a restless rebel and makes him a peaceful servant.

The irony behind this all: my prayer for quite some time has been that God would use me for His glory and that He would grow me in service, love, humility, and strength. Through this trial, He has granted all of these requests. What a faithful God He is! If only we could always use our Heavenly lenses…

This summer, a very dear pastor made this statement (rephrasing), “God is more glorified in our hardships than our easy days.” I’m starting to realize how true these words ring. When others can see joy in what should be our anger or sorrow, they catch a glimpse of something beyond this world… hope. They see the glory of a God who is greater than any trouble and more valuable than personal gain. They see the glory of a God who is truer than our own existence.  

“As for God, his way is perfect: the Word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that TRUST in him.” –Psalm 18:30

Set Me Free

I used to live in this tower of security, designed by my doubts and built by my fears. I was comfortable enough in this tower, being the ruler of it. Inside, I felt safe, in control, and independent… until the day that everything fell apart. From the wilderness, a mighty Warrior ran through my gates with His eyes set on the destruction of my tower. From the very foundation, He tore it away, brick by brick. I tried holding on to its walls, but they fell from my grasp. Before all of my wounds could be put on display, I tried running away into the woods, like Eve running to her fig leaves, but no shelter could hide me from the light of this Warrior’s illumination. Every hiding place I fled to was uncovered.

At His cue, the clouds gathered and released a torrential downpour, with thunder and lightning that shook me to my core. Frozen with fright, I began to feel my wounds sting and couldn’t tell whether it was from the tumultuous rain or the salt from the tears flowing from my eyes. With nowhere else to turn, I looked at Him. Even in the darkness of this storm, He was as bright as the sun, and completely serene. With trembling lips, I gave up the only words that I could offer, “You are God, and I am not.” He walked towards me with determination in His eyes. The nearer He came to me, the more vulnerable and weak I felt… it was almost as if my insides were quivering so much that I might just fall apart.

The ambiance of His peace encompassed me fully as He picked me up into His arms and held me tightly and tenderly. The sweetest words I’ve ever heard flowed from His lips, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away…” (Song of Solomon 2:10) In that moment, I looked deep into the eyes of Love itself. I was looking into the face of Christ, right into the brilliance of God’s sacrifice. His eyes were filled with oceans of wild, untainted love that was deeper than this world will ever know. His stare pierced beyond the window of my eyes down into my heart, lighting up even the deepest corners of my soul. With just one look from my mighty Warrior, I was utterly and completely known. In the glorious moment of this divine romance, I realized that Christ had never allowed me to slip away. I had tried to hide myself away from pain, but He held onto me until my strength to fight Him was gone because He knew that the only way for my heart to come alive was through giving me Himself. He is the end of my search, the mystical kiss that ties the longings of my heart together… He Himself is everything I will ever want, and He refused to let me settle for seeking out anything that would leave me empty.

In His embrace, my Lover sang over me with words that seemed to be dripping with honey, “…I have engraved your name into the palms of my hands…” “…I will go before you and make the crooked places straight…” “…I will turn your mourning into joy…” “…I will betroth you to me forever…” “…you are all fair, my love, there is no spot in you…”

Beholding the beauty and glory of the unmistakable, selfless love of my Savior, I became love drunk as I felt the chains that tried to contain my heart snap and shatter. My heart broke free and returned to its wild and reckless state, and I danced in the freedom of this love as He sang over me.

“…love is strong as death…” (Song of Solomon 8:6) What happens to the heart when it experiences true love? Actively, it is to love something enough to desire to give your whole self to it, even in death. This kind of love is what tore the Holy Trinity apart on the day that Christ experienced and overcame death. This is the fire that consumes us now and sets our hearts on fire with passion. This love- true love- is not for the faint of heart and comes at a high price. It requires suffering, but offers everything that our hearts could possibly desire. With true love, vulnerability is beauty and weakness is turned into strength through dependence on the One who has perfect strength.

My Lover is an adventurer, and because we are in this together, I get to be part of it. I am no longer the victim, but forever the wild, fearless warrioress, bearing witness to this dangerous, indescribable love.

When true love strikes, it pierces the heart and changes you from the inside out. You are transformed from the fearful to the fearless, because You have seen that all power and strength come from the One holding you and the only thing you can’t live without is the very thing that you’ll never have to.