When graduating college, I knew I had to find a job, but my heart was in ministry. I knew that if nighttime Bible studies and being a light at work during the day was what I had, that I would try to do it joyfully. But my heart was in ministry, the full-time, all-in, heart-and-soul kind.
I'm so thankful for the opportunities that I had right out of college. I worked for great establishments and met amazing people, but when my husband became a youth pastor at the church that I immediately fell in love with, my heart ached to be more available. I will never be able to express how grateful I am for our church and for God pressing it on the hearts of its people to hire us. My husband was freed up to invest 100% of himself for the first time ever into the lives of students and in doing so, I got to watch him come alive in a whole new way. I absolutely loved the times that I had with the girls in our youth group. The joy I received in watching them learn, bond together, and mature as women of God sent my soul on such a high that carried me through all the lows of those early seasons. And yet, when they were all away at camp or on mission trips during the summer while I was clocking in 9-5, I found my heart so heavy with longing to be with them that tears inevitably came.
I didn't have a lot of expectations about being a stay-at-home mom. While it has always been the desire of my heart, I wasn't sure we would be able to cut it financially and only made the decision when Norah came unexpectedly over three weeks early. Once she was here, the decision was an easy one for both of us and the excitement of more availability of our family as a ministry unit was tremendous.
Motherhood does funny things to a woman. Tears in the midst of extreme exhaustion turn to laughter and joy at just one look at the tiny precious that God entrusted you with. I felt more purpose-fulfilled than ever in my life and yet, I sensed an undercurrent: the pang of unfulfillment. I couldn't understand exactly where it was coming from or why because I never regretted one day at home with my little light. I wasn't used to all of the tiny, seemingly insignificant things that add up to be a mommy's day of work, plus trying to have enough saved up to be an attentive, supportive, present wife at the end of the day. Planning Bible studies became much more difficult because "free time" was/is kind of a joke to me and when I got it, all I could think of was finding the source of that smell in my kitchen and getting the sticky stuff off of the floors and being hungry for time alone with God and really needing a nap! Whew!
So I asked God to show me how to be faithful to Him in this capacity with these girls- how to make a disciple of an infant and how to make disciples with an infant (a very clingy one at that). Navigating through that still is not easy and looks like asking girls to hang out with me and my baby in hopes of meaningful conversation and quality time, although my attention is divided. It looks like doing everything I can to be as present as I can, whenever I can. It means caring about the moments I miss and asking to hear all about them because they matter. It means opening up my home for Bible study, even if I can't fully partake because I have to spend half the time putting my daughter to bed. Thankfully, it means our whole family packing up and heading to a student's ball game without having to ask for time off because my little boss wants to be wherever I am.
Tonight though, I'm worn out. I'm joyful and thankful and amazed at the work that the Lord is so clearly doing before my eyes. But coming off of a sleepless week, after a couple of days of trying so hard to be present while simultaneously being a mom of a 10-month-old (oh yeah, and pregnant), I'm spent. It's during these times that I wonder if I'm being effective at all, if my being there really matters.
I'm deeply grateful to know where the weary can go, so I went there. Unlovely but real scribbles on the lines of my journal page read:
"Lord, take over my life completely. Show me how to do this. Help me make the most of all that You've made me to be and help me to accept all of the things that You haven't made me to be, at least in this season."
And my Father, being the tender, loving Shepherd that He is, brought this to remembrance:
"And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, "Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on." -Mark 12:41-44
What I have to give is not the same as everyone else, but as long as I'm giving all that I have, what I have to give is enough. In fact, as Jesus teaches me here, I'm giving more of my heart to Him now when I feel stretched and drained than in previous seasons when I was able to give more of my time and abilities. Shouldn't I trust the heart of the One Who judges hearts and determines the seasons for the harvest?
Tonight, my exhaustion has turned from a frustrated discouragement to a beautiful offering that I can lay at the feet of the Father, knowing that because His Son gave His life for me, all I have to give will always be enough.
Tonight, my exhaustion has turned from a frustrated discouragement to a beautiful offering that I can lay at the feet of the Father, knowing that because His Son gave His life for me, all I have to give will always be enough.
"Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful." -1 Corinthians 4:2
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