Dear Norah

Dear Norah, 

Your first birthday is approaching and my heart is full of so many emotions. I'm learning what it means to disciple you, to train you and teach you how to live. There are so many things that I long for you to know, but you're not ready just yet. I've lost too many valuable things over the years to trust writing you a letter, so maybe the internet will endure long enough for you to read this when you're a little older, when you may need these words. 

First of all, you are the most magnificent thing that has ever happened to your dad and me, apart from being adopted by the God of the universe. When you were born, we fell in love with you instantly (I'm sure by now you've heard these stories millions of times). I've never known a more immense love that immediate- it's like nothing I could have ever imagined and I've realized that loving you like this is another glory of the Lord's that I have been able to experience, graciously. By the time you are able to read this, I pray that He has captured your heart and revealed His glory to you, too.

Anyway, here are a few little moments and thoughts that I have saved up in my heart day in and day out with you that I hope you can treasure, too. 

You're interested in everything. I love the wonder that you carry with you always, even if it means that you leave a huge mess behind you everywhere you go. I left the bottom drawer in the bathroom not baby-proofed so that while I get ready in the mornings, you can pull out my small bags and a few other things to entertain yourself. You have a spot like that in almost every room- a place where you explore, pulling out each object and quickly examining it before throwing it on the floor and moving on to the next one. But there has never been a time when you weren't prepared to leave whatever you were doing at a moment's notice to come with me. I simply say "come on," clap my hands together and hold them out. You drop whatever is in your hands and reach for me without any hesitation whatsoever. You don't care where we are going or what we're doing, you're just sure that it'll be better than anything else you have going on because you'll be with me. You simply love my nearness. Norah, I pray that you hold onto this concept forever; not that you will never want to leave my side, but that as you mature and grow, you will find Jesus to be worthy of that kind of devotion- a deep, instinctive love and desire to be with Him no matter where He takes you or what you have to give up to be with Him because you know that being with Him is the whole point of this life, and the most magnificent reality you could ever ask for.

While you and I are extremely close these days, you are quite the Daddy's girl. When we came home from the hospital, you were still a couple of weeks early. We were told to give you lots of skin-to-skin time to help you develop well.  Your dad had no problem holding you for hours and you so enjoyed snuggling into his warmth. 

It's not unusual for you to sit at the door after he leaves for work and wave long after he's gone, as if you're expecting him to come back. Today, you weren't feeling well and started crying for him. I gave you his picture to appease you and you kissed it over and over. It amazes me how much you love him already, but I can see why. Your Dad has proven his love to you, time after time. Unlike a lot of dads, he gets up in the middle of the night with you- sometimes to serve me when I'm over-exhausted, but sometimes because he wants those middle-of-the-night snuggles with you. He holds you and soothes you when you're sick and when you have to get shots (because I cry too and haven't been very strong for you). He enjoys helping to put you to bed when he can, and to bathe you and feed you. He delights in nourishing your soul already and goes out of his way to try to show you new things that he thinks will bring you joy. He takes care of you. He sacrifices his own comforts for your good. He pays attention to your likes and dislikes and helps you grow. He is your safe place. You've learned that you can trust him. Norah, don't ever consider giving your heart to a man who doesn't love you like your daddy loves you. Because if he can't love you like your daddy does, how will he ever love you like Jesus does? You are so valuable, my daughter, and I can't express how important it is to choose wisely when it comes to who you entrust your heart to. (If you're still unsure, don't worry. No man will get too close to your heart without your dad's permission, and mine.)

It's safe to say that we've bonded, you and I. From the moment that my horrible 30-some hour labor ended and your glorious little body was placed on mine, I've had a hard time letting you out of my sight. Who knows what birthing centers or hospitals will be like when your generation starts having babies, but right now, mommas get very little rest in hospitals. Neither your dad nor I slept for more than an hour or so at the time during our entire stay; our door was a revolving one with doctors, nurses, specialists, family, etc. So when it was time for you to go to the nursery for a few hours overnight for some testing, we were too exhausted to not be a little thrilled at the thought of sleep. The nurse said she'd have you back in time to nurse again at 2 AM, so we snoozed. Somehow, even through the exhaustion, I came back to consciousness around 2:15 and panicked... my baby was supposed to be back at 2:00! My swollen, achy body slowly stretched up and off the bed. I wrapped my robe around my pale pink over-sized hospital gown that tied in the back and began treading down the hallway with my lovely grey hospital socks slouched down to my ankles. Needless to say, I was quite the sight at the nurses' desk frantically wanting to know where my baby was. You were sleeping. Those poor nurses just wanted to give me more rest. 

Norah, I'm having to learn that while it is my responsibility and natural desire to do everything in my power to protect you, I have to submit to our Father daily and remember that you are His before you are mine. There is nothing and no one in this world that you have complete control over, nor should you. I pray that you always, always put your trust in this God who sees you, who hears you, who knows you because He formed you and purposed your life. He can protect you far better than a pitiful, sore & swollen momma bear ever can- and far better than you ever can. He is worthy of your life and you can trust Him with it. As C.S. Lewis said, "He's not safe, but He's good." 

Lastly, we really hope you take pride in your name, Norah Elizabeth. 

Norah means "light" and "honor." You already bring joy wherever you go. We get stopped in public all the time- people tell us how much you have brightened up their days by smiling and waving at them at such a young age. A stranger felt the need to stop me once and tell me that there is something unique about you-that you seem to have this glow all around you. I just smiled, little light. I believe God is already preparing you to spread His light into the world in an undeniable way. 

Honor means "high respect, esteem." Not only do I plan to raise you to treat all people with honor, but I pray that your life is consistently found worthy of honor, as well. My prayer is that your love for what is good, your joy and security in the Lord, and your awareness of your unwavering identity will develop you to be the kind of woman that draws out honor from even the crudest of people. 

Elizabeth means "My God is sufficient." And He is, Norah Elizabeth. I trust that He will show you exactly what this means in the days to come.

You could not be more cherished or loved.

Happy 1st Birthday, sweet girl. We are still so amazed that God chose us to be your mommy and daddy.

The Weary and The Worthy

When graduating college, I knew I had to find a job, but my heart was in ministry. I knew that if nighttime Bible studies and being a light at work during the day was what I had, that I would try to do it joyfully. But my heart was in ministry, the full-time, all-in, heart-and-soul kind. 

I'm so thankful for the opportunities that I had right out of college. I worked for great establishments and met amazing people, but when my husband became a youth pastor at the church that I immediately fell in love with, my heart ached to be more available.  I will never be able to express how grateful I am for our church and for God pressing it on the hearts of its people to hire us. My husband was freed up to invest 100% of himself for the first time ever into the lives of students and in doing so, I got to watch him come alive in a whole new way. I absolutely loved the times that I had with the girls in our youth group. The joy I received in watching them learn, bond together, and mature as women of God sent my soul on such a high that carried me through all the lows of those early seasons. And yet, when they were all away at camp or on mission trips during the summer while I was clocking in 9-5, I found my heart so heavy with longing to be with them that tears inevitably came.

I didn't have a lot of expectations about being a stay-at-home mom. While it has always been the desire of my heart, I wasn't sure we would be able to cut it financially and only made the decision when Norah came unexpectedly over three weeks early. Once she was here, the decision was an easy one for both of us and the excitement of more availability of our family as a ministry unit was tremendous. 

Motherhood does funny things to a woman. Tears in the midst of extreme exhaustion turn to laughter and joy at just one look at the tiny precious that God entrusted you with. I felt more purpose-fulfilled than ever in my life and yet, I sensed an undercurrent: the pang of unfulfillment. I couldn't understand exactly where it was coming from or why because I never regretted one day at home with my little light. I wasn't used to all of the tiny, seemingly insignificant things that add up to be a mommy's day of work, plus trying to have enough saved up to be an attentive, supportive, present wife at the end of the day. Planning Bible studies became much more difficult because "free time" was/is kind of a joke to me and when I got it, all I could think of was finding the source of that smell in my kitchen and getting the sticky stuff off of the floors and being hungry for time alone with God and really needing a nap! Whew! 

So I asked God to show me how to be faithful to Him in this capacity with these girls- how to make a disciple of an infant and how to make disciples with an infant (a very clingy one at that). Navigating through that still is not easy and looks like asking girls to hang out with me and my baby in hopes of meaningful conversation and quality time, although my attention is divided. It looks like doing everything I can to be as present as I can, whenever I can. It means caring about the moments I miss and asking to hear all about them because they matter. It means opening up my home for Bible study, even if I  can't fully partake because I have to spend half the time putting my daughter to bed. Thankfully, it means our whole family packing up and heading to a student's ball game without having to ask for time off because my little boss wants to be wherever I am. 

Tonight though, I'm worn out. I'm joyful and thankful and amazed at the work that the Lord is so clearly doing before my eyes. But coming off of a sleepless week, after a couple of days of trying so hard to be present while simultaneously being a mom of a 10-month-old (oh yeah, and pregnant), I'm spent. It's during these times that I wonder if I'm being effective at all, if my being there really matters.

I'm deeply grateful to know where the weary can go, so I went there. Unlovely but real scribbles on the lines of my journal page read:

"Lord, take over my life completely. Show me how to do this. Help me make the most of all that You've made me to be and help me to accept all of the things that You haven't made me to be, at least in this season."

And my Father, being the tender, loving Shepherd that He is, brought this to remembrance:

"And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, "Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on." -Mark 12:41-44

What I have to give is not the same as everyone else, but as long as I'm giving all that I have, what I have to give is enough. In fact, as Jesus teaches me here, I'm giving more of my heart to Him now when I feel stretched and drained than in previous seasons when I was able to give more of my time and abilities. Shouldn't I trust the heart of the One Who judges hearts and determines the seasons for the harvest?

Tonight, my exhaustion has turned from a frustrated discouragement to a beautiful offering that I can lay at the feet of the Father, knowing that because His Son gave His life for me, all I have to give will always be enough.

"Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful." -1 Corinthians 4:2

God of All (Even Bathrooms)

I'll admit, this HB2 issue has had me feeling all sorts of emotions and has tempted me towards fear and anger. My very first thought is of my daughter, who will be raised in a world that grows more and more strange to me and less and less... safe. I worried about her safety and her innocence and I have asked God to show me how to protect her body and mind and heart in the face of a world that values the desires of the individual with the voice above the safety of the vulnerable without one. I ache at the thought of my very dear friends who have been raped- will they surrender their rights to a public bathroom in order to try to recover from the living nightmare that they have experienced? I have become angry because I know that this issue goes far beyond the use of a bathroom, and yet the weak are caught in the crossfire.

And I'm realizing how easy we had it. We, American Christians. There are many places in the world where Christians have had absolutely no voice politically and no rights for many, many years. We now are entering an era where the most politically incorrect thing to do is to actually draw a line dividing right and wrong. It's an era where even self-proclaimed Christians, who would rather keep a false peace with the world than work with endurance for the true Peace, are publicly speaking against other Christians, pushing us away from the table and asking us to surrender our "outdated" and "ignorant" voices.

I know that I am just an emotional creature, not like the transcendent Creator, and I need help to see rightly.
Holy Spirit, help me see. Lead me into all truth. 

While there are so many things wrong about this issue, God's Word stands forever and He has made promises, all of which make even more sense in light of this.

"The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD;

he turns it wherever he will.

Every way of a man is right in his own eyes,

but the LORD weighs the heart." 

(Proverbs 21:1-2)

God is greater than my voice and more powerful than any government- and yet, overthrowing our government is not on His agenda. Not yet, anyway. His kingdom is not of this world, after all (John 18:36). These issues have been filtered through the hand of God because they serve a greater purpose. They violently shake me, waking me from my sleep to the reality of spiritual warfare. They force me out of the comfortable, lukewarm grey and into the narrow black and white, where there are uncomfortable truths and I must face them head-on. I can't just float upstream and hope no one asks me where I stand and why. Lines are being drawn whether I'm the one drawing them or not.

I don't get to choose to only teach Norah the "pleasant" verses of the Bible because, as Scripture promises, persecution is coming. I can't hide in my comfort corner and try to ride it out because she will be living in the thick of it and it is my job to equip her so that when she faces the temptation to deny this Jesus, she will be able to stand. I can't be passive in my teaching her about biblical femininity because in the days to come, there will likely be no distinction between the unique and beautiful roles of men and women in families or in society. I won't have the option of trusting the culture of the Bible belt to show them the person of Jesus, which requires me to be all the more diligent in discipling them.

He gives grace to the humble and brings low the exalted. The world that my baby girl will grow up in will be strange and dark and different, but the God pursuing her heart is the same good, just, all-powerful God. I cannot expect or assume rights from a secular government when He promised hardships, persecution, and hatred from the world. I won't push away from the table, but I will render to Caesar what is Caesar's, namely, the access to a secure, public biologically-female-only bathroom. And what God gives is so much greater- lessons, challenges, a calling to get out of the ambiguous, passive shadows where truth holds no weight and step into the light, where there is contrast and definition and breath-taking colors that have all been created by God distinctly for His purposes and glory.

No, this world isn't "safe" and it never has been. The only One able to bring about "world peace" was killed by men who resigned to give the crowds what they wanted. But true Peace cannot be overcome by death and He came, not to reconcile the liberals and conservatives to one another, but mankind to God. When our eyes are on the greater picture, the giant pill is a little easier to swallow and the grainy image comes into focus. There are no revolutions or rights or bills that will bring about this kind of peace- corporately or individually. The empty ache and the restless angst will grow deeper and more intense with every passing day that the soul does not bow itself to the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace. And we, who know Him and have access to His heart, can't pretend that what we see isn't brokenness. We are faced with making the decision to let anger and fear win, or to surrender them to the Almighty as we ask for redemption and pray for His Kingdom to come.

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me

and delivered me from all my fears. 

Those who look to him are radiant, 

and their faces shall never be ashamed." 

(Psalm 34:4-5)

Our Christmas Surprise

We have quite the story to tell little Norah about the months and weeks leading up to her delivery- a story of chaos and peace, misfortune and grace.

About three months ago (26 weeks pregnant), we discovered black mold under our floors as a result of water damage. At that point, we were just beginning to gather things for Norah's nursery, but had done very little. We were immediately removed from the house as contractors began to move our things from the kitchen, dining room and living room into the remaining rooms (including the nursery) and tear out what seemed like half of our home. What we thought would be a 5-ish week process turned into months. Needless to say, with my due date of January 10th inching closer and closer, we grew more and more anxious to return home and begin preparations for our baby girl's arrival. 

Throughout these months, one complication arose after another and our date to return home was pushed back further and further. Many loving friends, family members, and church family members loved on us so well during this time and our hearts overflowed as relationships were deepened and our faith was strengthened, which is what God promised trials would bring (James 1:2-4).

Over the past couple of weeks, I've experienced very uncomfortable itching, sometimes to the point of keeping me up at night. I was told that itching is completely normal for pregnancy, especially considering the amount of stress I've had with the house and also with the dry Winter weather, but I decided to do a little research of my own. What I found was that it could potentially be a condition called Cholestasis, which affects every 1 or 2 pregnant women out of 1,000, and usually results in the decision for the pregnancy to be induced early. Last week, I requested blood work to test for this condition.

On Monday during my lunch break, I received a call from my OB. Some test results came back "abnormal" and I needed to come in right away to monitor Norah. No one could provide us with information until she was monitored and their suspicions were confirmed. 

Upon arrival, I was hooked up to monitors that detected Norah's movements, heart rate, and my contractions.

Michael didn't mind this part of the appointment...

 

When my OB returned, she kindly and patiently explained that I do, indeed, have Cholestasis. While this condition currently affects me more than it does Norah, it could eventually be harmful to her and waiting until the 40 week mark is risky. 

We got to see our sweet baby girl sucking her thumb in an ultrasound as they ran more tests. Thankfully, everything showed up totally normal for her and she was right on track for a healthy delivery. We are on the hospital schedule to be induced next Monday, December 21st- 3 weeks shy of her due date. 

We know that we are blessed with such compassionate people in our lives, so if you're wondering what our needs are... 

First of all, our home is still a wreck. BUT, we have amazing friends & family who have offered to help, so we have a few teams of people in place to help us put together her nursery, put the house back in place, and even help us clean before we bring Norah home. We may still need some help in this area (we will know more as the week goes on) and we will definitely reach out if that's the case. 

Secondly, please pray for all of us. For Norah, pray that she continues to be healthy and relaxed, turned head down and in the right position for delivery. For Michael, pray that he is able to juggle all that he is responsible for right now (overall condition of the house, youth ministry, organizing things for next week, etc.) and that he could find strength and peace as he cares for Norah and me in the coming days. 

For  me, please pray for my emotional and mental preparation. I anticipated having several more weeks of pregnancy, which I have thoroughly enjoyed. I also anticipated pregnancy being so difficult and uncomfortable that I would be ready for it to be over, but that hasn't been my experience. It has been such a blessing that I haven't experienced sickness and that I have felt pretty great overall (minus the exhaustion & itching). Belly rubs from friends and strangers alike have been anything but annoying to me & I've loved the intimacy of feeling every movement and hiccup. While I'm eager to meet my girl face to face, I can't quite fathom not being pregnant anymore. Pray that the Lord prepares my heart for this new season that is to come. Prayers for my body are needed as well. The process can tend to be a little more rigorous since we will essentially be forcing my body go into labor before it's ready. Please pray that my body would be cooperative and that the birthing process would be as natural as possible. 

We covet your prayers and are so thankful to know that so many have been praying for us and our sweet girl all along.

Praise God, Who gives way better Christmas gifts than Santa.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."

-James 1:17

There's Life Inside

At 17.5 weeks, I can say that I haven't really felt all that pregnant so far. Thankfully, I never had the dreaded morning sickness, only exhaustion from time to time. My belly hasn't grown like I thought it might at this point and I have to keep myself from perusing through pictures of other women who are as far along as I am, whose bellies seem to swell with life. I've barely gained weight, so when my work pants grew uncomfortable and I had to unbutton them, I did the happy dance and showed my co-workers. I lie in bed on my back every night to feel for the slightest movement from inside. I long for more of a connection with this baby that I already love so much. And I want to feel pregnant.

This morning, I finally felt it. After swiping my phone to end the annoying last alarm, I rolled over onto my back to slowly embrace the new morning before arising into it. And then I felt it. It wasn't just a maybe-that-was-just-my-stomach feeling this time. My belly literally shifted and rolled on the outside. My heart stopped and I pressed my hands down onto the dwelling place of this tiny human, invading the little space that he/she has. And there it was again! Another gentle thump, a little foot or elbow or hand or knee bursting out with life, rippling joy throughout the body housing it.

The truth is though, it doesn't matter how pregnant I have felt. Having this experience did not make me "more pregnant." From the moment that the tiny egg in my body (which God had already set apart from the rest to become an image bearer) was fertilized, I began carrying life inside of my body.
My body. This just seems ironically possessive now that another being is living and thriving inside of this body, using its nutrients to  grow. I didn't have to tell my organs to move and make room for this little one; my body naturally did it because it was made for this. Because its Maker and Commander is not me.

I have no stones to throw at any woman who holds to the belief that her body is her own and that she has the right to decide what to do with it. In fact, I have been graciously shielded from stones myself. But I wonder if they know the whole truth? That their bodies aren't really their own.

And I can't help but to be thankful that my Jesus didn't regard His body as His own. He left a perfect union that He had enjoyed from eternity past to come here as an infant growing in the body of a woman just like me. The Giver of Life and the Author of Days put Himself in a position to be dependent upon a young woman's body. From the human perspective, this pregnancy was anything but planned. But it was no surprise to God. By the very nature of His character, He is the Redeemer. This means that even before there was a beginning, this pregnancy was planned by the Almighty. Was it inconvenient to a young betrothed virgin? Absolutely. Her very life was threatened. But through this child, her very soul was saved.

Jesus' whole life was spent serving, giving, and healing. He stood in between the stone-in-hand condemners and the woman who chose to live by the belief that her body was her own and that she could do whatever she wanted with it, no matter who else it affected. Not only did my Jesus pour  His grace all over her, but He showed her another way. (John 8:1-11)

Our souls have all been injected by the same poison with only one hope of cleansing: the complete exchange of our withered, diseased lives for the life of God's perfect, holy Son. To do this, Jesus would have to receive the full cup of God's wrath to the point of death so that there was none left for us to drink. One drop would've killed us all.

But was that really fair? What about Jesus' rights? That was HIS body and He could have done whatever He wanted with it. He was the innocent party here, you know. Why not go enjoy Himself, or at least wait until He was a little older so that He could have had some more life experiences?

Foolishness. This "life experience" is nothing compared to being in the presence of God, and that was an experience Jesus knew quite well. There was nothing that this world could offer that was worth trading for the will of God and the pleasure that comes with pleasing the Father.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

-Hebrews 12:1-2

Maybe there is something more fulfilling than all of the things we have marked down on our bucket lists: career, youth, relationships, travel, etc. Maybe in the whirlwind of all that we think we want, there's something better, more full. We aren't exactly the experts on peace and love and freedom, are we? 

So, when I think about the life growing inside this body of mine, I am reminded of the God-Man who made His temporary home in a body just like this one. The very One to unlock the keys of salvation was just two inches long, then three, then four... arms and feet and brain and nervous system growing at the exact same rate as the tiny body in my own. From the very beginning, He was Savior.

And while it may seem inconvenient at best, this Savior saw your life and mine as precious enough to give up His body for. The product of one body sacrificed? Countless others saved. 

Meet Baby Sal.

We find out if this baby is a he or a she in about 2 weeks. His/her gender is already determined and will be celebrated and affirmed. His/her heartbeat is strong, along with the nervous system. Baby can already see light, even with closed eyes. (It's interesting how one of the very first senses humans are able to use discernment with is light, isn't it?) Baby Sal can hear our voices and can move around in response to the sound of hundreds of worshipers singing on Sunday morning. It's a miracle, really- that I get to be an image-bearer of God, carrying an image-bearer of God. That my body, while it has never truly been my own (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), is now also the body of another. And even before I had the proof of this ultrasound picture, there was life inside.

Letter to My Unmarried Self

Dear Unmarried Self,

After being a wife of only about seven months, I am in no shape or form an expert on the topic. I do, however, have a few words of advice that would have been helpful for you to know in the seasons leading up to this one.

If you still haven't met him yet (and you probably have but still don't know it's him), then I won't spoil it for you. I dare not describe him physically to you; not only would it give him away, but it would completely miss the point of what we are looking for. Trust me, you will find him very attractive from the outside, but the inside is where the treasure lies. There are a few glaring things that will be most important about him in this season:

He will need to know how to fight.
Spiritually, I mean. Marriage is way more like Saving Private Ryan than it is The Notebook. He will not spend hours upon hours daily searching out ways to make you temporarily happy. He won't always charm you with words that make you melt and he won't always make sure you wake up to flowers and love notes.The most burning passion that sets his heart aflame will not be you. And I'm not sorry. If you are wise, you will marry a man whose most burning desire is the One Who created marriage. He knows how to fulfill and complete and satisfy in ways that no spouse ever will. Romance is important in marriage, but it will never reach the depth that it was meant to if you can't depend on your spouse to fight in the spiritual warfare of life with you. Don't marry someone that you can't crawl in the trenches with.

He will need to know how to reconcile.
I cannot express how important this is. You are blind to a lot of your wounds and scars and sinful habits and beliefs that will make you respond very unexpectedly to things in marriage. You (we) are being sanctified and it's a work in progress. The thing that has meant more to me than almost anything is experiencing the grace and unconditional love of being pursued after an argument. Nothing about flesh wants to be the first to kill pride, humble itself and apologize- especially when it wasn't totally wrong to begin with. But when your husband chooses to be a man living out the gospel and pursues reconciliation with you, you will not only get to see biblical manhood up close and personal, but you will get to glean in the light of the image of God.

He will need to know the Lord so well that not even you can shake his faith.
You (we) can be so fearful, doubtful, and foolish sometimes. I'm sorry to tell you that little has changed in that area. Like I said before, we are a work in progress. Please, please don't think you can play it safe for the rest of your life. God loves you too much to let you. You know you- how you can logically talk yourself out of things that defy logic and require only faith. Your Father will bless you with a man who has much faith. Don't stifle it. But because of the times that you will inevitably be tempted to do so, marry a man whose heart seeks God more than he seeks you. I can already tell you if this wasn't the case, we would have already missed out on huge blessings and a great adventure with the great I AM.

Now that we have him covered, let's talk about you. It would save you a lot of grief to know a few things...

First of all,

You can't be his Holy Spirit.
Because you will see that He is, indeed, a child of the LIVING God, he will have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of him. Now, be prepared... you will see his flaws and his weaknesses (I'm praying that this does not shock you!). This is good... it's what marriage is all about. Please start begging God now for wisdom and discernment. I know that you have a meek and quiet spirit, but there is a lion inside of you that comes roaring out to confront sin sometimes (I know... I was shocked, too). You can't run away from it. You can't journal and blog about it to make it better. Sometimes, you need to lovingly confront. But your little world-and his-will be such a happier place if you remember that you can't be the Holy Spirit in him. Do not get so easily frustrated at him- he will have more right to be frustrated at you, trust me. Be patient, be supportive, and pray.

Affirm his leadership.
What a joy and gift his leadership will be! You will be shocked at what an independent woman you actually were before, even though you were in such a great gospel community. You like to be in control, to make decisions for yourself, to meet a need when you see one. But don't be frustrated if you start meeting all of those needs before he has a chance to. Let him serve you. Don't feel guilty when he offers to cook or wash the dishes or whatever the chore may be. Thank him for gifting you with his service.  You two will have some big decisions to make early on. You will freak out. But when he tells you that he feels confident in his decision (that will affect you both greatly), prayerfully practice submission. While you are becoming one, you will have to learn to walk all over again since you are walking together. Falling would be better than never learning how to walk at all.


He. Will. Fail. You.
Please don't act so disappointed. Thankfully, he has never been a husband before. And you have never been a wife before. Give yourselves a break! (You will need this more in the early months of marriage than you do now). Yes, you will absolutely find healing in the love, mercy, and grace that he will show you. But there are a lot of stinking bones in the back of your heart-closet that the key of becoming one with another human being was needed to unlock. He can be a great help to you as you walk through them, but just like I said before, he can't be the Holy Spirit in you, so don't put that unbearable weight on him. Take them to the Healer.

This is the beauty of the mystery: God's design for marriage requires that it be made of three: man, woman, and Himself. He uses man and woman to glorify Himself through the sacrificial love that they develop for one another. And He uses marriage to glorify Himself through using man and woman to sanctify and build one another up. He uses marriage to glorify Himself by stirring up longings and desires for a marriage that is timeless, sinless, and ultimately intimate. He uses marriage to glorify Himself in the way that the life of husband and wife together are multiplied.

It is good to desire marriage, but don't mistake it with your longing for the perfect Lover, your Savior.

Sincerely,

Your Married Self

The One Worth Waiting For

I would like to preface this post by saying that my focus here is that of the Christian community. All are welcome to read, but please understand that my concern is for Christ's Bride- the body of believers. If you are not a follower of Jesus Christ, I don't expect your agreement and would love to discuss your views offline.

I recently read an amazing response letter (read it here) to a woman whose original article was entitled "I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn't" (read it here) that stirred my heart and mind to a further response.

In the original article, a young lady pours out her disappointments of her sexual experience after marriage that she blames on waiting for her husband to lose her virginity. As a child, she joined a youth group in church that went before the congregation and made promises to save themselves for their spouses. Having made the vow and having this value instilled in her without the faith or reasoning behind why she should hold these convictions, she struggled to enjoy sex when she was married and began to view it negatively. Soon, she began believing that if she hadn't waited, she wouldn't feel the shame that she feels and would be able to take more pleasure in it.

The response article addresses some very real struggles and gracefully dissects them to reveal the truths underneath: of course sex is awkward the first time and it's natural to experience sadness upon losing your virginity. She points out the very wonderful things about sex within marriage and argues that while she didn't wait for marriage to lose her virginity, she wishes with everything that she had. She points to the truth of Who created sex and how He designed it to be enjoyed.

And yet, I ache because I know that the anchor holding these truths in place is still somewhat arbitrary.

The truth is, your spouse isn't the one you should be saving your virginity for.

I'm not saying that the True Love Waits Chastity Pledge or anything similar to it is wrong or unfruitful. I praise God for the impact that this has had on young believers and for the accountability that it was for them.

However, I fear for those belonging to my generation and younger who have walked into the legalistic laws of morality and suffer the bondage that those laws bring, which lead them to believe that God is ruling over them harshly, just waiting to send them to Hell for their wrong-doing, without even understanding what makes it wrong in the first place. I fear that their hearts are being shaped to "be good" to avoid Hell instead of being molded to "be transformed" for their good and for the glory of God.

I'm broken for the "girl who waited and wishes she didn't," who made a chastity promise as a child who did not understand it or the love of God. I'm saddened for those who were in her shoes, who believed that if you were 'good' and waited for your spouse, sex would be easy and natural and wonderful and supremely pleasing, and that the bond you would share with them would be immediate and strong... because you waited.

It breaks my heart because I know that this way of thinking misses the point entirely.
You see, "God desires love and not sacrifice." (Hosea 6:6) What He wants is your heart, not your morality. The reward you are so desperately longing for is God Himself.

In fact, if pride and people-pleasing is the motivation for abstinence instead of loving and obeying God, then it is still sin. Romans 14:23 tells us that "whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."

If what you desire more than anything else is something other than God, you will be disappointed.

Our great God gives us commandments, not so that we may have "the best life now," (had to say it), but that we may have what is more precious than this short little life that passes as quickly as dew upon the morning grass. The Lord delights in us and offers the richest of fare. Too often, our culture teaches us to satisfy our desires in whatever way strikes us-to settle for the Kit Kat bar instead of taking a seat at the Feast of the Lamb. Our Father know what our needs are.

In regards to what the young lady in the original post had to say about wishing that she had given herself away before marriage so that she would have been more experienced when the time came, let's look at the origination of sex. Before God brought Eve into Adam's life, they walked together in perfect intimacy and unity in the heavenly Eden. When He did gift Adam with a wife, there were no other people in the Garden of Eden for them to compare their spouse to. Eve didn't need a practice run with another man before she was introduced to Adam. There were no other women-or videos of women- for Adam to try to fill his sexual appetite with before Eve... God designed Adam to desire and need intimacy with Eve alone. In the Garden, there was no sin pulling them away from God or from each other. They could freely love with body, mind, and soul.

We all ache for Eden. And we all fall into the sin of tasting the apple, even though we know it won't satisfy...even though we know it draws us away from our Father. The great hope is that because of Christ, who fulfilled perfect obedience with the motivation of pursing God's heart, we will experience once again the fullness of pure, free intimacy with the One who will bind us to Himself with the strongest of bonds and completely and supremely satisfy us for all of eternity. He is the One worth waiting for, and worthy of our commitment to pursue pleasure in the ways that He has designed for us to. Any other motivation, even good ones, will not suffice.

"You make known to me the path of life;
    in your presence there is fullness of joy;
    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
                      -Psalm 16:11